STENCHBENCH \STENNCH-bennch\noun: The almost always available trio of seats directly across from the toilet.

Usage: I was a little late boarding the 7:22, so I had to sit on the f***ing stenchbench.

KEYED UP \KEED upp\ adjective: The state of heightened anticipation commuters get as their stop approaches, which sees them remove their car keys from their pocket and position their fingers on the ignition key so they’re ready to drive as soon as they arrive at their automobile.

USAGE: This chick on the 6:33 was so keyed up that she had her keys at the ready two stops before she got off in Chappaqua.

THINKABLINKAPHOBIA: \THINK uh BLINK uh FO beea\ noun: When running down the ramp to your platform in Grand Central, the optical illusion that the red lights on the side of the train are blinking–meaning the train is about to close its doors and depart.

USAGE: I thought I was about to miss the 6:17 to Waccabuc, but when I reached the platform, I realized the train lights were not blinking and I had a minute to spare.

PHANTOM OF THE STOPERA /FANN tum uv the STOPP ruh/ noun:

The people you see at your train stop each day that suddenly disappear, but pop into your mind weeks or months later and cause you to wonder what ever happened to them.

Usage: I was kind of making eyes at this young brunette at my stop, but then she went phantom of the stopera and my commute regressed to a mirthless dirge.

MARCH OF THE PENGUINS: \MAHRRCH uvv the PENG\ gwinz noun: The late-night stagger of drunken commuters, clad in tuxedoes and cocktail dresses, through Grand Central after holiday parties in December.

Usage: Once December rolls around, I like to grab a seat at Michael Jordan’s, order a beer, and watch the March of the Penguins as the drunken jerks waltz through Grand Central.

TRAINSGRESSIONS: traynz GRESH unz /noun: Any of the behavioral infractions on the train, such as loud cellphone talking or taking up multiple seats, that make the commute less than pleasurable.

Usage: This clod on the 6:23 to Dobbs committed three separate trainsgressions before we even hit Spuyten Duyvil.  

TIMES NEWROCHELLE ROMAN \TIHMZ NUroshell ROHmin\ noun: The distinctive rounded typeface found on station platforms informing readers what the stop is.

(A.K.A. “Larchfont”)

Usage: I think I saw that same Times Newrochelle Roman font that Metro-North uses when I was looking at a restaurant menu the other night.

CHATTERBLOX: CHAT urr BLOKS \noun\: The act of covering one’s mouth with one’s hand while speaking on the cellphone on a crowded train.

Usage: I was getting the stink-eye from my fellow riders on the 5:46 to North White Plains while talking to my boss on the cell, so I threw up the chatterblox and everything was cool.

FREMIX: \FREE miks\ noun: The aural overspill from a fellow subway rider’s portable musical device, usually identified by thumping bass grooves.

Usage: I turned off my iPod on the 6 train because the Jay-Z cranking from the guy across the train’s headphones sounded better than the Wang Chung I was listening to.