Showing that it’s anything but a stodgy old hedge funder from Greenwich, the new issue of Mileposts pulls off the difficult trick of quoting both Fergie and Justin Timberlake. Yes, the Metro-North’s monthly mouthpiece describes a host of train-accessible destinations, such as Dutchess County Farm Fresh Link and the Bronx Zoo, as “Metro-Licious.” “Like the pop diva Fergie, we are not above adding ‘licious’ to the end of our name if it will get you to notice…” the copy reads.

Later, in the Courtesy Corner, which always does a crafty job of subtly working in suggestions for better commuter behavior, Mileposts asks where readers were when the “great Blackberry Blackout of 2007″ went down. It uses the occasion to remind riders to be considerate while in the midst of those very important Blackberry communications. “Do we set the device’s multiple ring tones,” it reads, “so that everyone in a 10-yard radius knows we prefer getting our emails to the tune of ’Sexy Back’?” 

In other Mileposts news, the Hudson line led the pack in monthly performance, ahead of Harlem and, of course, the woeful New Haven line, which would come in third in a race with a pregnant lady.

The new issue of MTA publication Mileposts landed on seats today. Frankly, it lacks some of the sly wit that’s defined past issues. The lead story, titled “Handsome Really Is As Handsome Does,” is all about dual-mode locomotives getting overhauled. To be honest, unless you’re Engine Bob or something, it’s an express train to Dullsville.

In other Mileposts news: Hudson Line platform changes go down starting April 16, Earth Day festivities kick off April 14 and last all week (among the highlights: String Cheese Incident performing at Grand Central), and a Courtesy Corner item about not putting wet umbrellas on the seat next to you. “Besides April showers, the story reads, “April shouldn’t also bring a rash of wet ‘posteriors’ to your fellow commuters.”

Amen to that.

The March issue of MTA rag Mileposts awaited us on the 8:17 today, these Ides of March. And indeed, the MTA’s surprisingly witty wordsmith had some fun with the Julius Caesar references. Promising it won’t be “more back stabbing by close associates,” Mileposts announced that some schedule changes would follow the Ides (”Julius Caesar got the ‘point,’ ” the story adds).

In short, if you live in Mt. Kisco, Tarrytown or Stamford, you’ve got some new commuting options.

As always, Mileposts announced the latest “On-Time Performance” ratings. The Hudson Line won with a 99.4 on time score (of course, as we mention all too much, “on time” means anything that’s up to 5 minutes and 59 second late). In second was our beloved Harlem line, followed by G. Francis’ hapless New Haven line.

When reporting this race, it’s hard not to picture the Jumbo-tron dot race at the ballpark, or the subway race at Shea, or the sausage race at the stadium in Milwaukee.

The February edition of Metro North’s Mileposts is out. If you haven’t seen the publication—and I’m fairly sure I’m the only one who reads it—it’s a surprisingly well-produced little rag with a sly wit.  

The lead story in the Valentine’s Day-themed issue, titled “We’re Very Punctual (Unlike Your Last Date)…”–see, I told you it was funny—touts the railroad’s performance scores. Metro North scored a 97.8 on-time percentage for 2006. As I’ve groused about before, Metro North gives itself a six minute leeway; if a train that’s due in at 8 gets in at 8:05:59, it’s “on time.” (Wish you could’ve had that clause with your curfew growing up, huh?)  

Yet nowhere in the issue is this caveat revealed.  

Also of note: ridership east of the Hudson was 75 million last year, a record and a 3.1% increase over 2005.  

And while listing capital improvements, I learned that “The second phase of the Upper Harlem Station Rehabilitation (White Plains through Southeast) was also completed.” So for crummy old Hawthorne, done up in dingy pool-cover-blue, its old station house a repository for someone’s junk, that’s as good as it gets for the foreseeable future.  

Lastly, Mileposts sneakily encourages good behavior on trains by dressing it up as relationship advice: “As Valentine’s Day approaches, you don’t need to waste money on expensive dating services to find the ideal ‘soul mate.’ Just look at his or her behavior when they are commuting on the train. Do they:” 

The article then mentions some things to look for, such as keeping one’s feet off the seats and using the cell phone responsibly.  

According to the latest edition of the Metro-North’s monthly publication Mileposts, the Harlem line was on time a most-impressive 96.3% of the time. But if you read the fine print, the MTA gives itself six minutes of leeway. So if a train scheduled to arrive at, say, 9 a.m., pulls in at 9:05:59, it’s technically on time.

Which got me thinking. Should that train arrive at 9:05:59, making me exactly 5 minutes and 59 seconds late for an important meeting (OK, I’d probably take the earlier train if I were to ever have an “important meeting”), couldn’t I tell my meeting partners that I was, according to MTA rules, on time?

The 5:59 rule, in fact, could change history. I could’ve showed up 5:59 minutes late for Mrs. Khatir’s 11th grade French class back at Harborfields, and instead of being barred at the door, I’d be on time (ponctuel, en francais). I’d end up with a higher grade point average, go to a better college, and perhaps get a better job. C’est bon!

Let’s now turn to the most recent New York Marathon. Marilson Gomes dos Santos of Brazil was considered the winner at 2:09:58. But with the MTA’s 5:59 rule enacted, it turns into a tie between dos Santos, Thomas Nyariki of Kenya (2:14:59,), and 11 other runners that finished in between them. Congrats, guys!

Perhaps the MTA could hold itself to the same standards that the rest of us do.