LIRR, Eastbound 5:35 Peak Train to
Huntington – Remember when you were a new commuter? The sight of the grizzled veterans on your regular morning or evening trains gave you ample reason to question taking that city job: the dog-tag style monthly pass, positioned to allow maximum sleep; the whisper of drool on the sleeping commuter’s necktie; the obsession with his “regular” seat; and, most annoyingly, his ability to pinpoint exactly where the train door will arrive on the platform, even with different equipment. You pledge to never “be that guy” but, alas, after about 18 months you find yourself looking at monthly pass lanyards, napping extensively on the ride into work, and unconsciously standing at a particular spot on the platform.

But sometimes, the comfort factor of a commute exceeds these simple behavioral modifications. And I’m not talking about starting a regular card game, either. Nope, sometimes the hardcore commuter goes too far in allowing himself to get comfortable with his daily routine. A good example of that can be found every evening on the 5:35 Eastbound train to
Huntington, in approximately the 3rd car. His Christian name is unknown to us, but he is known as “Widescreen.”

A hulking man of indeterminate origin (European?), Widescreen stands 6’2”, and weighs in at approximately 275 pounds. Festooned in Century 21 garb, and lugging an oversized legal attaché, Widescreen is, at first glance, just another evening commuter. However, once Widescreen reaches his seat of choice, a transformation begins. Out comes the laptop with the 20” screen and the oversized (and electrical-tape-reinforced) headphones. Settling in, widescreen allows no fellow commuter in his row, stating, “You cannot sit here. I have a Wide Screen,” (the origin of his moniker) and commences to enjoy some video content.

Unfortunately, the video content is exclusively of 3rd tier, adolescent European pop stars engaged in live performances. Undulating, sweaty, scantily-clad pop performers wiggling and giggling in all the resolution that Widescreen’s cinema display can muster. Needless to say, fellow commuters—especially women—tend to be somewhat uncomfortable around old WS.

What’s the most disturbing is the fact that the content isn’t porn. But it isn’t anything you can really put your finger on, either. Widescreen doesn’t watch movies, sports, music videos, or soft-porn entertainment. Widescreen only watches taped performances of little-known, scantily clad, underage pop starlets. Exclusively. Well, except for the time he was watching the entire
Victoria’s Secret fashion show. That was the only video I recognized.

Some hail Widescreen as a hero: a commuter that has overcome the daily grind, who clearly enjoys his 1-hour ride to the fullest. A man who, against all normal social conventions, puts his personal fetish out for all the world to see, and is comfortable with his choices. Others see Widescreen as nothing more than a fat pervert, unable or unwilling to spare his fellow commuters a peak inside his sick, twisted mind—a man who had let his obsession overshadow common courtesy and social conventions.

You may have come a long way to veteran commuter status, but you may never reach the pinnacle of long-term commuter Nirvana, that is represented by Widescreen. And I pray that you never do.

–Rough Rider