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It’s that time of year again, when children’s attention turns to seasonal favorites like A Charlie Brown Christmas, Frosty, and The Grinch; in fact, How the Grinch Stole Christmas is on ABC tonight at 8.

I found myself reading The Grinch to Little G the other day, and, as I have in years past, took serious issue with the ending. If you’ll recall, the Grinch has stolen every last bit of Christmas goodness from the people of Whoville-even the roast beast! He then has a change of heart–in fact, literally…his heart gets like three sizes bigger before your eyes–and guides his sleigh back to Whoville to return the gifts, the trees, the ornaments.

The good people of Whoville greet the Grinch with open arms. They even invite the guy to their Christmas dinner!

I say, nonsense! What sort of people would greet the villain who stole every last decoration and gift from their very homes with open arms?

The Grinch of course comes from the brilliant brain of Dr. Seuss. With all due respect to the good doctor, I humbly submit a more realistic ending to the book.

The Grinch schlepped his sleigh down the hill

And in minutes was in the middle of Whoville

His ride was piled high with trees, wreaths and gifts

He was eager to patch up some 1,000 rifts

 

But the Whoville folks had another notion

They swarmed on the Grinch in rapid motion

They pummeled him with legs, elbows and fists

They beat on his being till they could not bend their wrists

 

Then they laid the Grinch flat on the ground

And ran the sleigh over him with a sickening sound

The Grinch was a mess of blood, bone and guts

He got what he deserved, the demented old putz

 

The Who-ers grabbed the gifts from the sleigh

And did their best to salvage Christmas Day

They erected their trees and put presents under

Never again would the Grinch attempt such plunder

 

They scooped up the fallen Grinch from the street

And carved up what looked like the usable meat

They grilled him to get him back for his acts that were vicious

Cindy Lu Who took a taste and exclaimed, “This Grinch is delicious!”

 

Happy holidays, everybody!