“Be kind to your behind.” 

It’s cottonelle’s new tag line and it’s covering the wall space at the stairs heading to the Grand Central subways and everyone’s talking about it. Whether it’s the poop reporter whose motto is “Your #1 Source for Your #2 Business” or Cassandra Jupiter  who is anti-wiping and pro-washing–or Jon Stewart on the Daily Show–the butt is the talk of the underground.

 

Now this is the kind of conversation that commuters need to have more of. Butts. Poop. TP.

 

It got me to thinking about other campaign slogans and how they might fit on the wall of fame heading down to the underground. Maybe the Cottonelle team will use one. 

Big beautiful butts build bridges, just like the Peace Corps. Let Cottonelle help.

 Harsh is for hands. Cheeky is for lip. Underneath just let it rip. Nice to know Cottonelle will catch you.

 

Not on the seat. Not on the cheek. Look underneath and take a peak. The perfect place for poop. (My son liked this one the best.)

 Buttwipers of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your cheek.

 

Why use newspaper when you can use Cottonelle?

 Itchy heiny? Don’t use what’s harsh, thick or shiny. Think baby wipe without the lotion and soon you’ll be back in locomotion. (Especially appropriate for Grand Central.)

 

Which would you rather use, the bear or the Cottonelle? The bear’s vote doesn’t count.

 

TV ad: Camera pans in to a cocktail party, zooms in to hip level and focuses on a jeans-covered butt, dancing to a groovy beat. Another butt comes close with a tail of toilet paper hanging out from the back. Voice over: “This could be the start of a beautiful relationship.”

 

Heiny on fire? Douse the flames with Cottonelle, the fire extinquisher.

 

Come on. Everybody uses it. You use it. I use it. They use it. Don’t keep it a secret. Bear all. Cottonelle. 

Got one you think would work? Think about your heiny as you ride the rail and let me know.

–Joe Lunievicz